I Won't Turn Back

I sort of had a small panic attack at work again. A customer wanted to give me 65 cents as an after thought and it threw me off my A-game. Then, the customer behind her wanted to give his unwanted opinion saying, “kids these days don’t understand.” I wanted to yell at him that I wasn’t a “kid” at all.

I wish people would notice the word “fragile” written across my forhead. She was so presistant to give me the 65 cents that she didn’t even notice that I was getting upset. They just thought I was a stupid “kid” who didn’t know anything at all.

I understood that the 65 cents was an innocent act, but in my world in order for me to keep things under control and not feel anxious…I couldn’t accept her money but I had too. It sort of ruined my night and it’s taking me awhile to recover cause all I can hear is that guy’s comment playing over and over and over and over in my head constantly.

At those times I’m just begging that person in my head to give me some relief cause I don’t have the strength to handle it. I feel like I’m coming to that downfall I’ve been expecting. The life changes are only taking me but so far. I’m afraid that one day I won’t be able to recover from a panic attack like today. I think my efforts are running out and I can’t cope for the future. I will falter even more unless I make a drastic decision.

My mother actually told me that I was a strong person. It’s funny cause I never saw myself as a strong person who could overcome obstacles. I never really thought of idea of being “strong” until I realized all the things I’ve done to get me to this point in time.

I never let my anxiety and depression affect my school work, and I still drove to school everyday my freshmen year of college despite the fact I was running on empty. To this day, I don’t know how I survived last summer because I was a complete mess. I was struggling with work, depression, anxiety, life changes and my mother’s cancer. It makes me smile a little that I could be considered a “strong” person in life.

“From my eyes, you are fine. I don’t see any thing wrong with you,” said Jessica in a message she sent to me.

Kalie said I should be more open with people, so when Jessica was casually checking up on me via message; I decided to tell her my diagnosis. I see why I don’t tell anybody anything because I’m afraid of people saying that it’s all in my head. That’s exactly what Jessica did, she told me that I’m “fine” and “there’s nothing wrong with you.”

Granted, I do tell her more than Aileen but she doesn’t really know anything about me. Nobody knows anything about me, not even my friends. She doesn’t understand that I’ve become good at hiding things from people. She hasn’t been there during my darkest hours and she’ll never be.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about how things were a year ago. Around this time my mom was finding out she had cancer, but I wouldn’t find out until the day I move back home for the summer. These constant memories are starting to take a toll. Today, my mom was hasseling me about my job and all I can think of how she did the same thing last year. She had so much anxiety about losing her job because of the cancer and she wanted to make sure I was able to take care of myself. She admited that she reflected all her anxiety onto me, but being overwhelmed with all that anxiety and pestering just made me angry.

I had that same kind of anger today that I had a year ago. I could just feel it boil up inside me as she annoyed me about my job. I actually had to stop her from talking and walk away cause if that anger had manfested anymore; I woudn’t know how to control it. I was trying to pull myself together but it was hard for me not to shed a couple of tears. I was able to calm myself and reassure my mother that I could handle my priorities. She doesn’t know that the events of last year are brewing the back of my head, and they’re hard to forget. I can’t forget.